Dear World,
I’ve just got done checking my email and I’ve so much email in the last twenty-four hours asking me to keep going … to keep writing … I don’t know what to do.
I’m just going to talk about some things on my mind … maybe it will help maybe it will make things worse … I don’t know.
Well .. other than destroying any hope of ever being happy there’s not much new going on with me. I’ve been working at the shop for some time and I’m almost ready for business. I guess I could focus on that right now to get my mind off of things.
You know, I knew a long time ago I was no good in relationships. I don’t know why … I guess I try so hard and I am always afraid of messing up that I destroy things. Sort of like the only story by Edgar Allen Poe I ever liked … The Tell Tale Heart. In that story a man kills his landlord and is wrecked with guilt to the point he hears the man’s heart beat grow increasingly louder until he wigs out and confesses. That is a lot like me right now. I make a couple of mistakes and I am so wreck at trying to fix them that I blame myself, I get angry with myself and I wind up hurting someone. I know this but why can’t I change it? I had the most lovely woman on the face of the Earth … key word being had. We planned so many things and we were actually getting there. Sure, it was a little rocky at times but deep down I knew we both wanted the same things. I knew it would be O.K. because we loved one another.
Y’all don’t know how hard this is for me to talk about all of this. I’m not a very open person in the first place and I know I have to write this. This is my journal and since I don’t keep a private one I’m just going to explode if I don’t share it. Anyhow, I’m going to instill in any man out there who has a good woman to treat her right. I mean it. You don’t know how lucky you are. That old saying is true “you don’t know what you’ve had until it’s gone” is very true. Only, I knew what I had and I think that makes losing it all the more horrible.
You know what though … there was a time where I would just give up but the more I think about it the more I know I’m not going to. She is worth far more than just walking away because I messed up. I would tell any one of you if asked, that if something is worth anything is worth trying to keep especially someone very precious to you. Sure, I made a HUGE mistake. Does this mean I have to give up? NO! I’m not giving up on her I won’t EVER give up on her. I almost did and I was a fool, I am a fool for that. However, she is worth the world to me and I can’t bare to lose her not without trying. I have idea what I’ve got to do but she and I have come too far for me to allow my stupidity to ruin it all. Is this the end of the world? No way! People have done far worse than I’ve done and have managed to somehow work it out and as difficult as it’s going to be that is what I must do. She is the love of my dreams … a real pleasure to know and I know a lot of you have no idea what I’m talking about let alone what I’m going through but trust me. Trust me to know these things as I have learned them. I have learned them in the most difficult way possible. So I shall learn from them. Learn from them in the most difficult way as I won’t ever forget what my love for her means to me and more importantly what my love for her means to her.
I’ve come a long way and I’ve got a long way to go before this old life of mine sees its end. Along the way I trip and I fall yet I get up I hold back the tears of pain and I keep going I must keep going for my love and for what only she and I have with one another. I hope to one day be there for her so when she cries I can be the one to wipe away her tears and I can be there to hold her hand through our troubled times. I hope to one day be there for her and for her to know that she does love the right man and that she was never wrong in doing so. I have to live up to the person I know I am on the inside and I have got to tear down the wall. The wall that blocks those I love out and the one that is so destined to send me to a lifetime of misery. I shall not let that wall beat me. I won’t ever let that wall defeat me for I am stronger than it. I am strong because my love makes me so. If I were to die right now I would die happy beucase I have known her. If I died in her arms I would not worry about heaven for I would have already been there. This isn’t about me anymore it hasn’t been. It’s about she and I. It is about what we have and for how we feel for one another and if this thing .. this horrible darkness that came between us wins then I will move forward knowing that it certainly felt my pain before it did win. This wonderful woman who came into my life who has been nothing but passionately in love with me deserves for me to treat her as the princess I see her as and she deserves to know that I was worth it. I am worth it. I won’t fail her again. I will die first.
Peace, Love, & Understanding,
Bug
